Toward A No Expectations New Year
When we are controlled by our expectations, we are living a contingent life, a life of loss, a life that is not in the present moment. Our experiences are interpreted in the context of an expected future. This can be enslaving; can lead to subtle and even insidious discomfort and suffering.
Possibilities, not expectations, is what mindfulness is suggesting. And we can peacefully explore the future–in this coming new year–for possibilities, with an open, curious, and accepting beginner’s mind, rather than getting caught in the dissatisfaction of our unmet expectations.
With no expectations, there is no fear.
Patience
Patience, simply put, is being present with whatever is happening, period. It is being present in a non-judgmental way, looking clearly without filtering the conditions of the moment through our old stories and habitual responses that lead us to act, at least somewhat, inappropriately from the past rather than appropriately from the present conditions before us.
“And we urge you… be patient with all men.” –1 Thessalonians 5:14
The Great Tibetan Lama, Tsong Kha-pa Says
If everything is empty [lacking permanence], the spiritual path is a balance between wisdom and compassion. To achieve wisdom, know emptiness. Compassion arises from emptiness and wisdom.
Generosity (Dana)
What is generosity? According to Mother Teresa: “Generosity is valuing others without self-interest; generosity is our greatest blessing.”
Generosity is the most fundamental of all our practices; ideally it is giving simply because there is need. It is giving without asking anything in return; giving without regard for the nature or qualities of the person to whom we are giving–pure altruism. There are three types of generosity: material giving, spiritual giving, and the giving of no-fear.
For more about giving: click here: https://www.deepdharma.org/beliefs/giving/
His Holiness, The Dalai Lama Says
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
Compassion is an empathetic call to action. It is a character trait. It is seeing the world through a lens that leads us to act for the benefit of others. It opens us to unlimited possibilities. It is never sympathy (a wasted emotion in which we identify with another’s suffering and in doing so cause ourselves to suffer). When our stories, our self-centeredness, our ego lessens, compassion appears naturally and on its own to guide us. Compassion is what makes us safe and strong, not weak and easy to manipulate.
RICHARD TESSELL — There Is No Present Moment
What we are typically confronted with in nature is a vast network of interdependent and continuous processes, and carving out particular phenomena (person, place, thing, process, event, etc.) for explanation or for use in explanations depends more on our explanatory interests, normal limits on human cognition, and language than on the nature of the conditions themselves. Simply put, what we choose to see and talk about has more to do with who we are, what we have experienced in the past (karma), what we are interested in at the time, and the language we choose to express ourselves, than with the nature of what is “happening.” If we enter a well-lighted room, we don’t mention it; on the other hand, if the room is dimly lit, we might flick the switch or ask that the lamps be turned on so we can see better. So it is not about the light, per se, but about our need and interest in having more light. And the language we use to ask for more light reflects our mood (are we asking gently and politely, indicating we are being open and patient, or are we making a snide remark about this room always being too dark, indicating we are upset) rather than anything about the light or lack of light itself.
The present moment, then, is not about an event that is occurring, but about our explanatory need and the language with which we describe it and set our attentional field. Together they create the narratives we believe is “the present moment.”
“Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.”
— James Joyce from The Dubliners
Question is, are you like Mr. Duffy or are you here now?
Impermanence
Impermanence isn’t a problem to be overcome, it is a place into which to relax. It is not something to be conquered. Impermanence is a lens through which to view the world. It is the path to peacefulness. It is to be lived and appreciated.
No Expectations!
Working with the concept of expectations/no expectations suggests a difference between expectations and possibilities. Expectations assume a desire for a certain result and are future- based. They actually narrow our options. Expectations hold the present sense of wellbeing hostage to a future as we want it, as we expect it. Expectations create rigidity and anxiety. The best way to plan for the future, then, is with a beginner’s mind open to all possibilities.
With expectations, we are often left disappointed, hurt, lost, angry, perhaps even feeling defeated; but with no expectations, no fears exist. Making time and space in our processing for having no expectations is a big step forward on the path that takes commitment and diligence.
The Secret
As the Dalai Lama is fond of teaching: the solutions to problems larger than ourselves lie not in huge acts from such renowned spiritual figures as himself or from charismatic leaders in economics or government, rather the answers to life’s greatest challenges reside in minor decisions we each make every day. The secret is that the answer is found in each of us, in making small acts of patience, compassion, generosity, and wisdom, for these foster peace and happiness in the world.
Understanding Disappointment
Disappointment arises when reality does not meet our expectations.
Disappointment arises from attaching to specific desired outcomes.
Disappointment arises from expecting permanence in people, things, and narratives.
Disappointment arises from a heightened sense of our ego and sense of self as right.
Practicing with mindfulness of thoughts and emotions can lead awareness without disappointment.
Practicing greater compassion to oneself and others can transform how we see disappointment, weakening it and allowing space for patience kindness.
Practicing with karma, what it is and how it works, can create positive conditions that reduce future disappointment.
Papañcas – Our Dangerous Mental State
Papanca is a Pali term that refers to the tendency of the mind to proliferate, to create and get entangled in a web of unnecessary and unhelpful thoughts and emotions, leading to negative feelings and self-criticism.
Here’s an example:
Imagine a person named Sam who sees a colleague at work, Alex, walk by without saying hello. Immediately, Sam’s mind starts racing:
- Initial Perception: Sam sees Alex walk by without acknowledging him.
- First Thought: “Alex didn’t say hello to me.”
- Proliferation Begins: “Why didn’t Alex say hello? Is he mad at me?”
- Further Proliferation: “Maybe it’s because of that comment I made in the meeting last week. What if he told our boss about it?”
- Worry and Anxiety: “If our boss thinks I’m causing problems, I might not get that promotion. What if I lose my job?”
- Self-criticism: “Why do I always say the wrong thing? I must be really bad at my job.”
In this example, Sam’s mind has taken a simple, potentially neutral event (Alex not saying hello) and spun it into a complex web of worries, anxieties, and self-criticism. This is papanca in action. It shows how the mind can take a simple observation and unnecessarily creates a cascade of thoughts that lead to mental and emotional discomfort and pain.
Mindfulness and meditation can be used to observe and understand these patterns of mental proliferation. By doing so, we can learn to recognize when our mind is engaging in papanca-ing and gently bring their attention back to the present moment, to the neutral initiating stimulus, reducing and possibly even eliminating the unnecessary mental suffering that results from these proliferations.
Just Sit
When we sit in stillness, just so, with what is, we become one with the inconceivable—emptiness. We are no longer observers, we are a purely aware, non-conceptual, non-linguistic presence. Sitting, just sitting, there is mere awareness, pure and unriddled by our karma, our past memories and understandings, and our language. Pure and unriddled, this ultimate unity is beyond words and thoughts, cast and open, beyond conceptualizations, way beyond distinctiveness. Again, we are not separate from it, we are it—although there is no “Us” and no “It” in our ultimate nature, emptiness and awareness.
Explore This, Please
Life always involves some level of discomfort, of unsatisfactoriness, of “suffering,” sometimes obvious and sometimes subtle, sometimes barely perceptible. Even when things seem good, we always feel an undercurrent of uncertainty. That’s the truth about suffering. Knowing that, and exploring it deeply, we can find the way to reduce and perhaps even end it.
Advice to the Kalamas
As Buddha once said:
Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it, such as, “Broccoli is good for you.”
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many, especially pro-broccoli propaganda, such as, “Eating broccoli will make America great again.”
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books, such as, “And it came to pass that the lord ate all his broccoli before he could have his dessert.”
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders, for example, “Starving children in Africa would gobble up the broccoli on your plate.”
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations: “My grandmother ate the broccoli, my mother ate the broccoli, I ate the broccoli, and now you will eat the broccoli.”
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.
Please pass the peas.
Disappointment
Arising
Disappointment arises when reality doesn’t meet our expectations.
Disappointment arises from clinging to outcomes.
Disappointment often arises from expecting permanence–expecting things to always be the same–in an impermanent world.
Disappointment often arises from ego needs and a distorted sense of self—from when we don’t get our way.
Relieving
Recognizing and releasing our clinging to desired outcomes can relieve disappointment.
Practicing mindfulness and mindful meditation can allow us to observe our thoughts and emotions without clinging to them, relieving disappointment.
Developing compassion toward ourselves and others can relieve the impact of disappointment.
Knowing that others are always doing their best (even though it is sometimes unwise, even dangerous), knowing that they are always doing their best can lessen and relieve disappointment.
Our Chief Concern
We are concerned more with getting and having than with being. That’s our problem!
Avoid Anger at All Costs
All the virtuous deeds and merit,
Such as giving and making offerings,
That we have accumulated over thousands of eons
Can be destroyed by just one moment of anger.
There is no evil greater than anger,
And no virtue greater than patience.
Therefore, I should strive in various ways
To become familiar with the practice of patience.
If I harbor painful thoughts of anger,
I shall not experience mental peace,
I shall find no joy or happiness,
And I shall be unsettled and unable to sleep.
––Excerpts from Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life by Shantideva (circa 700 CE)
RICHARD TESSELL — Right Action
- Right Action arises from developing patience, compassion, and generosity as character traits.
- Right Action refers to actions that arise from wisdom and a Two Truths practice.
- Right Action arises have wholesome intentions.
- In Right Action, the word “right” is perhaps better translated as “pure”. It doesn’t mean that any specific action is absolutely right. Often even a well-intentioned action can turn out to be inappropriate.
- Right action includes sometimes not taking any action.
Just Sit
Sit on a cushion, legs crossed, spine upright (a pelvic tilt will get you into the position), shoulders and the muscles around your spine relaxed OR sit upright in a chair with good lower back support. Make sure your posture is alert yet comfortable. Set a time for 15 to 30 minutes, whatever amount of time you can fit into your schedule. Sit completely still for the allotted time. Eyes closed, breathing gently through the nose, begin the meditation. Don’t focus on anything—not your breath, not sounds, not sensations, not thoughts. Your field of awareness should be wide open, your attention moving from whatever your notice to whatever you next observe. Your attention should float lightly from one observation to another, yet you should maintain a sense of your whole being at the same time. This is sitting utterly still, with awareness.
Try this daily, for a week or so, and note your insights and observations. Is there really any difference between an itch on your arm and hearing a bird chirp? Can you sit in stillness and observe both as just perceptions? Can you observe thoughts and physical sensation without inviting them in for coffee?
Patience
Patience is popularly and generally defined as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering. This, obviously, assumes that there are externals to which we should feel aversion, that there are people and places and things that somehow cause us to be uncomfortable. But common sense tells us that simply can’t be true.
The Buddhist understanding of patience is different. Buddhism suggests that patience is simply the ability to be mindfully present and aware of whatever is happening, without an aversion. Mindfulness says (1) that patience is a skill, and like any other skill, with practice we can get better at it, and (2) that there is nothing we cannot greet with patience, absolutely nothing that we cannot greet with patience if we are clear-minded.
This does not mean we become passive, does not mean that we flat-line an experience, and does not mean everything that happens is “okay.” Rather, it means we develop a practice allowing us to manage seemingly provocative situations without stress or reactivity.
There’s No Point to This
“If we can remedy an unpleasant situation, what point is there in being angry? And if it is impossible to remedy the situation, what point is there in being angry?”
Right Speech
Right speech, explained in negative terms, means avoiding four types of harmful speech:
- Lies (words spoken with the intent of misrepresenting the truth);
- Divisive speech (spoken with the intent of creating rifts between people);
- Harsh speech (spoken with the intent of hurting another person’s feelings); and
- Idle chatter (seemingly spoken with no harmful intent but leads to ego self-inflation).
It’s Complicated
It’s complicated, nonetheless:
True wisdom is not about acquiring.
It is not about having.
It is about being.
No-Self Is the Answer
It is ego, our sense of self, particularly our clinging to our stories about who and what we are, that is the source of all our dissatisfaction and uneasiness with our lives.
Viewing Death
To view death as a natural (dare I say: an ordinary) event rather than painful aberration, is a central point of Buddhism.
Consider This
One of the deepest habitual patterns that we have is to feel that now is not good enough.
The 8th century Buddhist mountain monk, Shitou, suggested in his poem Inside the Grass Hut that we develop a conviction which gives priority to our state of mind, above all else, for that’s what shapes our intentions, our karma, and our ability “to walk” with “opens hands” and an open heart.
You can read the poem and our commentary at https://www.deepdharma.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/InsidetheHut.pdf.
Change
Most important is that we develop a world view, a mindful approach to life, where change is the natural order of things and not a static personal problem.
Sun-faced Buddha, Moon-faced Buddha
The Japanese tell a story about the great 8th century Buddhist monk, Master Ma-tzu. Once a man of great physical presence and prowess, he is lying quietly, old, sick and about to die. His attendant enters and asks, “How are you feeling?”
While this is always an inappropriate question for someone on his or her deathbed, Master Ma says, “Sun-faced Buddha, Moon-faced Buddha.”
In Buddhist mythology, the Sun-faced Buddha lives for eighteen hundred years in brightness and good health; the Moon-faced Buddha lives only one night, in darkness and ill-health.
Master Ma uses his final moments of life to teach his student that whether one is “sick” or “healthy” is just a label and is unimportant. How we live that final moment is what counts.
All one does, his answer suggests, regardless of the conditions, regardless of whether one is feeling like a Sun-faced Buddha or a Moon-faced Buddha, regardless of what our diagnosis or prognosis or no-nosis is at all, all one does is look at the morning and go forth completely mindful, with an open, curious, and accepting mind, mindful of conditions as they arise from moment to moment and responding appropriately.
To live this way, to be peaceful in the face of the unwanted, to be peaceful when “perceived injustices” arise, we must learn to be honest with ourselves and to see things as they really are.
“As they really are” means that, regardless of the label, we simply respond appropriately, without anxiety or stress, instead with patience, compassion and generosity. Being able to do this requires understanding and meditation. That will lead you to a very clear and powerful engagement with every moment, with a sense of awe and wonder that arises from within at just being alive. Nothing is richer or more powerful than to be able to say, from deep inside yourself, with a big smile, “I am here, I am here right now–without judgements, without expectations.
CAN A FEAR BE GOOD FOR US?
Fear may be useful, may be helpful, may even save our lives, however, fear can only lead to more fear, never to peace or happiness, or to an honest alertness of the present moment. Be careful with when you think fear is good.
Just Follow the Rules
Just follow the rules…without rules there is no freedom, just chaos.
Woody Allen:
There’s an old joke – um …two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort, and one of ’em says, “Boy, the food at this place is terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah, I know, and such small portions.” Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life – full of suffering and unhappiness, and then it’s all over.
DAVID ROOTH:
With radical acceptance, by accepting the conditions of our lives, just as they are now in this moment, we can work towards a healthier, more peaceful life, without the burden of self-criticism or recrimination.
Frustration arises when our desires, expectations, or attachments are not met. This misalignment between our expectations and reality is a primary source of frustration.
What’s In Your Cup?
You’re holding a coffee cup when someone comes along and bumps into you. Coffee spills everywhere. Why did you spill the coffee? You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea. The point is, whatever is in the cup is what spills out.
When life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you comes out. So we have to ask ourselves, “What’s in my cup? What did I put in my cup today?”
Metamorphoses, the early first century Roman narrative poem by Ovid, recounts stories from Greek and Roman mythology and is a seminal literary work in Western culture. Metamorphoses inspired such authors as Dante, Chaucer, Milton, Shakespeare, to name just a few. It is the main source for Shakespeare’s Mid-Summer Night’s Dream. Its fundamental theme? Change is the natural order of things. Whether we are seeing it through the eyes of a donkey in Metamorphoses or just using common sense to think about it, recognizing change as the natural order is the course to ending our suffering around dying and death, grieving and mourning (and everything else).
WORRYING
Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace.
Wash Your Bowl
A monk said to Jōshū, “I have just entered this monastery. Please teach me.” “Have you eaten your rice porridge?” asked Jōshū. “Yes I have,” replied the monk. “Then you had better wash your bowl,” said Jōshū.
The metaphor behind this simple appearing story is really quite deep. Most people think that it simply tells us we must wash our dishes. But no. It’s true meaning goes like this.
The monk eating the porridge is analogous to the present moment. However, after he’s done eating his porridge, the uncleaned bowl represents another present moment which is still affected by the past.
When Jōshū — a senior monk — asks the newbie to wash his bowl, he means that one must wash the past off of one’s present. That one must always keep a clean bowl — a present unaffected by the past.
Our past can be quite a prominent source of suffering. We regret what we did do. We regret what we didn’t do. We hold on to people’s past mistakes and hold grudges against them. We hold on to our own past mistakes and beat ourselves up. But learning to let go of our past — to wash our bowls — will enable us to live healthier, happier lives.
You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
Tibetan Proverb
There is a Tibetan proverb that reads “The secret to living well and longer is: eat half, walk double, laugh triple, and love without measure.”
Amelie Rorty, a late 20th century Belgian-born American philosopher wrote: “The question is: how can we sustain the illusions essential to ordinary life, without becoming self-damaging idiots?”
The Foundation for Getting Past Our Suffering
The way past this suffering is to accept our perceived injustices without grasping after them or clinging to them or letting them pull us around by the karmic ring we have placed in our noses.
Abandon Blame
Only Blame Yourself. Good or bad, right or wrong, problem or not, difficulty or not – you’re to blame. Seems counterintuitive, but it’s not.
We know from meditation and everyday experience that people, places, events and things are empty of any permanent definition, value, function, and meaning until we assign those false attributes, fictional characteristics to them. Therefore, if something seems uncomfortable or difficult or anger provoking, there is only one person to blame for the discomfort, difficulty, or anger–oneself.
Our suffering is never anyone else’s fault. This means you and you alone are totally responsible for what happens in your life, both physically and emotionally.
This is certainly counterintuitive; our habit of complaining and whining and finding fault outside ourselves is very strong. Far stronger than the alternative, to be present with what is happening, with an open heart and mind, free of judgment, and trusting in ourselves that, if we look honestly and clearly, we will do alright.
Focus On Process, Not Outcome.
The great Indian mystic Osho wrote: The ego is result-oriented; the mind always hankers after results. The mind is never interested in the act itself, its interest is in the result. “What am I going to gain out of it?” The mind, the ego, are all result-oriented. Deep meditation occurs only to those who are not result-oriented, those who just sit. And then there is no need to go anywhere. Deep down, say, “I give up.” These are clear-cut instructions given only to those who are ready to travel, to go on the pilgrimage into the unknown.
Open, Curious, and Accepting
THAT’S BEGINNER’S MIND
The Buddhist concept of Shoshin, or developing a “beginner’s mind,” may be the best place to start an “open, curious, and accepting” practice. This concept is about dropping our expectations and preconceived ideas and seeing things with an open mind, fresh eyes, and simple acceptance–just like a beginner. Accepting here means understanding comfortably that other people may have different ideas and opinions while not necessarily agreeing with them. This too is mindfulness. And is tightly interwoven with patience.
CLOSURE
In Buddhism, “closure” isn’t typically used as a formal concept, but the idea of resolution, acceptance, or letting go aligns closely with several core principles of Buddhism. While the dharma rarely addresses closure directly it is an important practice for reducing and ending suffering after interactions with people and places and things, regardless of whether the interaction is positive or negative. Here we are suggesting a form of closure after every interpersonal interaction.
Closure is tidying up our narrative about what has been happening so it can be laid to rest with utter peacefulness. It is not a closing down, as in a restaurant closure, or ending, as in a relationship or marriage or death, but rather a peaceful and compassionate lens through which we finalize something, or more accurately we should finalize everything, every interaction.
October
Arrogance
Arrogance is a puffed-up mind based on a deluded outlook toward the importance or significance of our place in this world. It functions to make us not appreciate others or respect their good qualities, and to prevent us from listening, learning or otherwise expanding our horizons.
Questions is, why aren’t we all more humble and modest??
HUMILITY AND MODESTY
Humility is to depart from a position of gentle, non-assertiveness. It is a behavior or attitude or spirit that wholly lacks arrogance and conceit. It is being unassuming without being proud or feeling inferior.
Modesty is to depart from a disinclination to call attention to oneself. Modesty involves observing proprieties, especially in speech, dress, and comportment. It avoids extremes through understatement in what one has and does materially and spiritually.
Compassion tells us to ask and listen, to act and speak, to think and do with humility and modesty, not with arrogance.
JUST FOLLOW THE RULES. IT’S THAT SIMPLE.
If there are no rules, there is no freedom.
Without rules there is chaos.
As long as there are rules, there is freedom.
Without being aware of the rules, moral and otherwise,
trying to obtain freedom means nothing.
THE FIVE PRECEPTS
A VERSION FOR TODAY
The Five Precepts are the guiding principles for a morally upright, ethical life. Here is DeepDharma’s updated version.
- Avoid, as much as possible, intentionally killing living beings, and certainly not killing for sport.
- Avoid taking what is not freely given.
- Don’t indulge in sexual misconduct (verbal, psychological, or physical). Sexual conduct must be adult, consensual, appropriate and safe, and ongoingly affirmed.
- Use Right Speech, as much as possible and
- Avoid misuse or abuse of legal or illegal, recreational or pharmaceutical drugs, that negatively impact one’s health or functioning. Further, avoid addictive behaviors, like obsessive video gaming or social media abuse, which also affect our health and functioning.