An intimate act of generosity entails giving more than is required, customary or expected relative to one’s resources and circumstances. The giving should not be painful, but it should be very deeply felt. Only then does it have serious short- and long-term benefits. It is intimate in that it is giving to those family and friends closest to us. It is an act of lovingkindness and involves relinquishment of self-centeredness, clinging and greed. It is a letting go that entails a releasing of self-interest and thus is an unmitigated giving of one’s self to those for whom we feel closest. We give of ourselves, not just our stuff or ideas. Intimate giving is an openness and a capacity to embrace others with profound sincerity, compassion, and love.
Generosity is fundamental to Buddhism. It is the key to right action, it is essential to letting go of our ego, our stress and anxiety. There is material giving, spiritual giving, and the giving of no-fear. The latter being unique to Buddhism and meaning that nothing we do with body, speech or mind should leave another feeling threatened or fearful. But where we tend to fall down is in giving to those closest to us. We often give digitally in ways we are barely aware of as the monthly payments come directly out of our checking account, unnoticed. So giving intimately is important as a practice toward a life filled with satisfaction, peace and joy.
The spiritual efficacy of a gift is dependent not on the amount given but rather on the attitude with which it is given, the intention behind it. Giving this way to those closest to us and with whom we share a deep connection is a powerful source of self-compassion, both in the short- and long-term. We are not trying to do this with strangers, or colleagues we barely know; that would not be appropriate. This is for those whom we know well and with whom we feel intimate, whom we love.
The gifts should be memorable and involve a bonding time: a day at a spa with all the works, a meal at a luxurious restaurant—perhaps with a tasting menu and flight of wines at a starred restaurant; an afternoon at a museum featuring a traveling exhibition your guests have talked about wanting to see, followed by a gracious meal in the neighborhood where you can bond over the exhibition; an improvisation class you take together, giggling about your performances with a drink afterwards; a special Halloween or Holiday or Winter event you attend at your local botanic garden, enjoying hot cider afterwards; an architectural boat or guided walking tour—it is amazing how little we know about the cities we live in, again followed by a meal and bonding; a drive to a special country B&B; or even a thoughtful, several course, intimate dinner at home with just your spouse or partner, followed by some special (not screen) bonding time; a vacation taken with a child or grandchild to a place of their choice, just the two of you. It could also be a whole family, multi-event day of bonding, perhaps around a birthday. The gift is about intention, intimacy, and bonding, not expense, though it should be unexpectedly generous, perhaps spiritually rather than materially.
One way that the giver sees their generosity return is in “instant karma,” the Buddhist idea that acts which you do have direct consequences on the state of your mind and heart, even as you do them. The consequences of giving are quite wonderful in the present moment, both in your heart and in the hearts of those for whom you are being generous. If you are open-hearted and present to them, you can receive these wonderful consequences during the act of giving.
In traditional Buddhist teachings, giving is not meant to be obligatory or done reluctantly, rather it should be performed when the giver is “delighted before, during, and after giving.” It is this delight that we feel from intimate giving. A similar feeling is felt by those to whom we are giving.
Intimate giving is more about our intentionality, about open-mindedness and open-heartedness, than about what we do or how much we give. Through this type of generosity, we cultivate a spirit of community. This is building community of the most important kind. It is joyous giving; it is cherished and cherishing. It is community as love and connection. In this act of intimate giving we are connected wholeheartedly with others and the world.
In this practice of intimate giving, we realize that giving creates a relationship between the giver, the gift, and receiver, unlike any other. Through it we begin to understand where we are closed, where we are holding back, where we are fearful. We take on this practice to see where we must let go.
But this form of intimate giving entails much more than just letting go. It develops qualities of the heart such as patience, kindness, compassion, as well as the most intimate form of community, which is a lack of loneliness.